Untitled Document

SCENE ONE:
We’re at the tail-end of An Evening with Lana, a Cabaret show featuring Broadway Actress/Singer LANA DUPREY. The venue is Elysium Spirits, a nightclub, bar, and occasional performance hall. The spotlight rests serenely on the lovely LANA DUPREY, as she glows sublimely in the footlights. THE AUDIENCE sits SL, watching in rapt admiration.

LANA
(sings song)

(LANA finishes her song, to the adulation of the AUDIENCE)

LANA
Thank you all for coming, you’ve been a beautiful audience! Good night, and be safe.

(She gives a final wave, bow, and then exits as the lights come up on THE AUDIENCE. They file out slowly, chatting excitedly, as ETHAN BRODY remains in his seat, still clapping. SARAH PATTERSON waits patiently by his side. ETHAN rises, his eyes still glued to the stage.)

ETHAN
Did you see her up there?
Just like a rose…
All glamour and light
A glorious sight
That Lana DuPrey!

SARAH
(WHISTLES AND CLAPS. TO THE STAGE) You go girl!

ETHAN
She’s fantastic. And you… know this woman? (BEAT) Woman being the understatement of the year.

SARAH
Down, boy. Sure, I did Company with her a few years ago, and we’ve kept in touch. (LAUGHS) She had the hardest time with ‘I’m Getting Married Today’. In so many ways. See, she was…

ETHAN
And her name is Lana… Lana! La-na Du-Prey.

SARAH
Come on, Rain Man. If you promise to behave, I might even introduce you.

ETHAN
You don’t understand… I’m in the middle of a mystical experience! It’s as if… as if…

SARAH
Oh brother. Ethan…

ETHAN
As if every beautiful moment in the world…

SARAH
Don’t make me thrash you…

ETHAN
Were wrapped into one, stunning woman. Talented…

SARAH
Blonde.

ETHAN
Articulate

SARAH
Boobs.

ETHAN
She moves my soul.

SARAH
I can’t take you anywhere… and I need a cigarette.

ETHAN
Sarah, I’m telling you, I’ve just seen my soulmate.

SARAH
And alcohol. Tell you what, you what, I’ll go get us some drinks, and you can stay here and drool over an empty stage.

(SARAH moves towards the Bar, but pauses momentarily to look back at ETHAN, who’s still lost in thought. She continues on.)

ETHAN
(sings song)

(SARAH returns, holding a couple of drinks, and hands one to ETHAN.)

SARAH
I got you a double.

ETHAN
Thank you, Miss.

SARAH
I’m glad you called.

ETHAN
Well, yeah. I’ve been back in town now for a while and…

(He sees LANA entering from backstage, stopping to sign a few autographs. She’s changed out of her evening gown, but is still, in a word, ravishing)

ETHAN
…in town… and I…

SARAH
Are you in a show now?

ETHAN
And I….

SARAH
(CRANES HER NECK AROUND AND SEES LANA) Men. (TO LANA) Lana! Hey, stranger!

(LANA squeals with delight, rushes over, and embraces SARAH.)

LANA
(LOOKING SARAH UP AND DOWN) Oh my god, you’ve lost so much weight! (LOOKS AROUND) Where’s the rest of you?

SARAH
Thanks... Bitch.

LANA
Slut.

SARAH
Diva.

LANA
Hack.

(They laugh as ETHAN looks on in shock.)

LANA
God, it’s just great to see you! Seriously, what’s your secret?

SARAH
Oh, like you’ll ever have a pound to lose. (BEAT) Carrot sticks. Carrot sticks, morning jogs, and projectile vomiting.

LANA
February Vogue?

SARAH
March. Cosmo.

(They laugh. The WAITRESS arrives.)

WAITRESS
Can I get anyone a drink?

LANA
Hot plum wine?

WAITRESS
Sure. Anyone else? (SARAH shakes her head ‘No’. ETHAN is mesmerized by LANA.)

LANA
I’m fighting off a cold. Heat is good. (She sits down, and glances over at ETHAN, who can’t take his eyes off of her. To SARAH) You’ve got yourself a friendly one here.

SARAH
Sorry. Lana, this is an old friend of mine, Ethan Brody. Ethan, Lana Duprey.

(LANA offers her hand, which ETHAN somehow manages to shake)

ETHAN
Pleasure, Miss… Lana…

LANA
Thanks for coming to see the show!

ETHAN
It was an honor and a privilege…

(LANA shoots an amused look at SARAH, who simply rolls her eyes)

LANA
So what do you do, Ethan?

ETHAN
Me? Well, I… Nothing special, but you know, I… at least recently…

SARAH
He’s an actor. (BEAT) Improvisation isn’t really his thing.

LANA
(LAUGHS) Oh, Sarah. Be nice…

ETHAN
Well, not JUST an actor. (BEAT. He casts about for something to say) I also write.

LANA
Oh really?

SARAH
(DOUBTFUL) Oh really…

LANA
You’re writing a play?

ETHAN
(BEAT) Well… Labels are so confining… It’s sort of an epic, monumental exploration of human… humanity…

SARAH
An exploration, huh?

ETHAN
It’s… it’s a musical!

LANA
Well that’s great! Got any parts for a soprano? Acts a little, dances a little.(She laughs good-naturedly)

SARAH
A mus…?

ETHAN
With Sarah.

SARAH
(SHE STOPS. Suspiciously) What about Sarah?

ETHAN
(To LANA) She’s such a worrywart.

LANA
(To SARAH) Is it true? Oh, sweetie, I always told you you should write your own music! You’re too good for lead sheets. That’s great!

SARAH
But I… (She falters as she sees ETHAN across the table, making a pleading gesture with his hands) It’s too early in the project to count any chickens. You know, have to see if the storyline has any legs. (She kicks ETHAN under the table).

ETHAN
Ow! (LANA looks over at him). Ow… as in her little joke there… you know, me being in charge of writing the script and all…

LANA
Well, seriously, when you’re finished, send it my way. If you like. I’m sure anything that Sarah does will be top-notch. I can maybe pass it around to some directors and producers I know? Or maybe if you’ve got a part for a Five foot Eight Blonde who can hit a B, C on a good day…

SARAH
Oh, god, Lana, you’re a star… you should be doing Oklahoma, not Annie in Amateurland.

LANA
Is that the title?

ETHAN
We’re still working on that part…

(LANA’s cellphone rings)

LANA
(To phone) Hello? Hello Corey. (Holds her hand over the phone and whispers to SARAH) My manager. (To phone) Yes, it went great! (BEAT) Just catching up with some friends… I almost forgot. No, I know, I’ll take care of it tonight. Thanks for calling. You too. Bye bye. (She rises) Damn, damn, damn. I’ve got to get home and check my fax, we’re working on a contract for next July.

SARAH
What’s the show?

LANA
Revival of Oklahoma, actually. (SMILES) It was SO good to see you, hon. Call me next week and we’ll do lunch. (BEAT) And then we can throw it up together!

SARAH
Will do. Good luck with Rogers and Hammerstein. Give ‘em hell.

LANA
You know it. Ethan, any friend of Sarah’s is a friend of mine. (Quick hug) Good luck with the script.

ETHAN
You too. Thank you. You’re amazing. Uh. Were amazing. I mean. (BEAT) Break a leg!

LANA
(To SARAH) He’s sweet. (Waves) Have a good night!

(LANA exits. ETHAN and SARAH sit together in a moment of silence.)

ETHAN
Oh my god I’m an idiot. (Buries his face in his hands)

SARAH
What was your first clue?

ETHAN
I know, I know…

SARAH
A writer of musicals, huh?

ETHAN
I couldn’t let her think I was just an actor.

SARAH
You know, she used to be ‘just an actor’ too.

ETHAN
I know, I know… but she was so beautiful.

SARAH
Yes, she’s attractive.

ETHAN
And her voice! Her voice was … a chorus of angels, singing… singing about love.

SARAH
You should avoid metaphors …

ETHAN
…I still smell her perfume…

SARAH
They take a certain knack… Metaphors are the morning dewdrops on a field of grass.

ETHAN
Maybe if I… No…

SARAH
Evaporation. Now there’s a fascinating topic for conversation.

ETHAN
Or she… No…

SARAH
Cumulus… Cirrus… what are the other ones? (BEAT) Nimbus. Cumulonimbus? Stratus!

ETHAN
I couldn’t let her think of me as a nobody. I have to be a somebody too. Our relationship has to start on an equal footing.

SARAH
You’re already somebody. You’re a great somebody. (BEAT) Your relationship!?

ETHAN
But I’m not a somebody like Lana. For Lana, I have to be extraordinary.

SARAH
What every relationship needs… a built-in insecurity complex.

ETHAN
Even better than that, Sarah. An inspiration! Knowing her, I can never settle for being second best.

SARAH
So she’s pretty. So she’s famous. Buy the album. And move on!

ETHAN
I’ve got it!

SARAH
The album?

ETHAN
My plan! I’ll call it… Operation True Love.

SARAH
You’ve never made me… nauseous before.

ETHAN
Remember this day, Sarah my dear… the man you see before you… Ethan Brody, professional actor…

SARAH
Who?

ETHAN
Is emerging from his cocoon…. Is rising from the ashes of complacency! I shall spread my wings and soar! I open my eyes now to a grander, nobler future than any man has ever dared to dream. From this day forward, I am Ethan William Brody… writer of musicals!

SARAH
You’re not being serious. (BEAT) Are you?

ETHAN
I will write a show. WE will write this show. A masterpiece of words and music intertwined… so touching, so thrilling, so PERFECT that Lana DuPrey will be helpless but to star in it. And she and I will meet again… two star-crossed lovers… together at last.

SARAH
A musical? YOU are going to write a musical? And again, you and metaphors…

ETHAN
THE musical. A musical inspired by… written by… and starring… true and eternal love!

(PRODUCTION NUMBER?)

ETHAN
Of course, I need your help.

SARAH
You need more than that.

ETHAN
I can do the script… maybe the lyrics…

SARAH
Medication . There’s a good start.

ETHAN
You have a piano at home, don’t you?

SARAH
And some sort of padded room. For your own protection, of course.

ETHAN
I’ll need to get a computer…

SARAH
Divine intervention?

ETHAN
And you can write the music! It’s perfect!

SARAH
Be serious.

ETHAN
I am! More than ever.

SARAH
All this… over a girl?

ETHAN
You want to be a rehearsal piano player for the rest of your life?

SARAH
Over a girl? For my friend… Lana?

ETHAN
Try to overlook that part. You’ll feel better.

SARAH
What do we… you know about writing a musical?

ETHAN
I have complete confidence in us.

SARAH
You’re impossible.

ETHAN
Is that a yes?

SARAH
And insane.

ETHAN
Please? Pretty please? (SHE LOOKS AT HIM, AMUSED) Don’t make me beg… (BEGS)

SARAH
(LAUGHS, DESPITE HERSELF. BEAT) What’s this musical about, Mr. Hammerstein?

ETHAN
(SMILES) What else? Unrequited love.

SARAH
(BEAT) I can do that.

(They rise and start to exit.)

SARAH
I guess the world won’t miss a struggling actor and a half-hearted piano player for a few months…

ETHAN
Especially with so many openings for struggling writers and composers.

SARAH
A musical by Patterson & Brody. It has a ring to it…

ETHAN
(LAUGHS) Brody & Patterson sounds better.

SARAH
Au contraire, my friend…

ETHAN
Of course I’m only thinking from an alphabetical point of view. There’s no egos involved here…

SARAH
In your dreams, buddy… I’ll have my lawyer draw up a working contract outlining the basic percentages, along with…

ETHAN
You have a lawyer?

SARAH
Sure. Aunt Rosie.

ETHAN
But she’s MY Aunt.

SARAH
So? I called dibs.

ETHAN
You can’t dibs a family member.

SARAH
Just did…

(They continue their banter, and exit.)