(Excerpt from "Heaven and Hell", a stage play by Stephen C. Kam. All Rights Reserved.)

SCENE ONE:
(LIGHTS UP ON A RATHER TIDY IF SPARTAN ROOM.  THERE IS A HIGH QUALITY STEREO COMPONENT SYSTEM IN THE CORNER, UR, A PLUSH LA-Z-BOY TYPE CHAIR CS FACING THE STEREO AT ‘OPTIMAL LISTENING DISTANCE’ FOR THE SPEAKERS, WITH A FOOTREST OR SOME SUCH IN THE FRONT OF IT, AND A SMALL DRINK TABLE TO THE LEFT OF THE CHAIR, ON TOP OF WHICH ARE A COASTER AND AN ASH TRAY.  THERE IS ALSO A SMALL COUCH CR.  THE STEREO IS PLAYING HANDEL’S “MESSIAH.”  GOD IS SEATED IN THE CHAIR, FEET UP, MARGARITA GLASS IN HAND, ENRAPTURED IN THE MUSIC.  HE IS RATHER PLAIN LOOKING REALLY, BUT DRESSED IN AN ALL WHITE SUIT, WITH A WHITE HAT.  HE IS SMOKING A CIGAR.  LUCIFER ENTERS CL.  HE IS DRESSED RATHER SUAVELY, IN A WELL-TAILORED BLACK SUIT, COLLARLESS WHITE SHIRT, AND BRIGHT BUT TASTEFUL RED VEST.)

LUCIFER
(LOOKS AMUSEDLY AT GOD, WHO HASN’T SEEN HIM YET.  SARCASTICALLY)  How now, our father who art in Havana.  (PAUSE)  How’s it hangin’?

GOD
(GLANCES BACK BRIEFLY)  Get thee gone, Devil!  (PAUSE.  THEN, PETULANTLY)  It’s almost to the good part.

LUCIFER
My first visit this millennia, and that’s all you can say?  “How’ve you been Lucifer?  You look great.  That vest complements your eyes...”  Be creative, o thou grandest of creators.

GOD
(WITHOUT TURNING AROUND.  DEADPAN)  Is that your real hair?

LUCIFER
(LAUGHS DELIGHTEDLY AND RUBS HIS HANDS)  It begins so soon!  Ah, God, I’ve missed our verbal sparring!  What’ll it be?  Insults!?  Dredging up old forgotten slights!?  Fireballs and lightning bolts?  Ah, I could use a nice relaxing spat, honestly.  The years have been hard on this tired old devil.

GOD
Then take a vacation.  I give you...  eternity.

LUCIFER
Oh-ho!  Now that’s hardly fair, and well you know it!  Without me, you’re up a creek without a paddle.  Hell may be the backwaters, but we still get the news.  Heaven’s impacted. And I hardly think your souls would appreciate an eternity of tenement housing.

GOD
(EXASPERATED FINALLY.  HOLDS UP THE REMOTE IN HIS HAND AND TURNS OFF THE STEREO, THEN GETS UP AND FACES LUCIFER)  What.  What is it?  Your small talk is as banal as hemorrhoids.  You obviously want something or you wouldn’t be here, so out with it, Lucifer.  What nefarious thoughts rise in that demonic skull of yours?

LUCIFER
(HOLDS HIS HAND OVER HIS HEART AS IF SHOCKED)  Why...  God, I’m just...  hurt to the bone.  I mean, I try and I try, to make you proud of me, Pop, but...  geez, it’s like...  you don’t even trust me!  No, Lucifer you can’t use the car tonight.  Lucifer, clean up your room.  Lucifer, what do you want from me now?  Can’t you see I’m working?  (PAUSE)  Oh, the trials of the prodigal son!  (HE SPINS AROUND AND HIDES HIS FACE, MAKING LOUD SOBBING SOUNDS.  GOD STARES AT HIM IMPATIENTLY.  FINALLY, LUCIFER LOOKS UP AT HIM)  All right, fine.  Here’s the problem.  (HESITATES, LOOKS AROUND AWKWARDLY, THEN FLOPS HIMSELF ONTO THE SOFA)  I’m lonely.

GOD
(GOD IS INCREDULOUS.  THEN, ALMOST LAUGHING)  Well tough cookies!  You’re in charge of tempting people into hell.  If you don’t like your clientele, perhaps it’s time for a revision in your admissions quotas.  Personality tests for potential sinners?  Compatibility profiles for Lucifer’s new friends?  Now accepting applications?  Get serious, my fallen angel.

LUCIFER
Don’t call me that.

GOD
Isn’t it true?

LUCIFER
I thought rudeness was my forte.

GOD
All’s fair in love and war.

LUCIFER
This from one who knows nothing of love or war.

GOD
You say that I, who love all things, know nothing of love?

LUCIFER
That’s just it, God.  You love everything.  But love nothing.

GOD
Word games, Scrotch?  I hardly have time...

LUCIFER
Not just semantics, God.  What do you call love?  Have you ever smelled the scent of a woman’s hair?  Buried your face in a flashing mane of sundappled glory?  Have you ever walked across meadows in a full winter moon, hand in hand with a girl whose smile makes you shiver?  What do you see when a man and a woman kneel at your altar, and say “I do.”  What does that mean to you?  I say nothing.  I say the love of God is as the heat of the sun.  Warm on the face, but far, far away.  A heat that shines indiscriminately, and without focus or intensity.
I tell you I’m alone, and you laugh.  I pity that laughter, for it echoes your ignorance.  To love is to need, and that love is a wondrous thing.  Yet every night a hundred million faceless children turn their faces to the sky and pine for you, you...  inadequate conception, and cry from their hearts for a touch of your love, your wisdom, anything really...  and what do you give them?  Handel’s “Messiah.”

GOD
But they have faith...

LUCIFER
(DERISIVELY)  Phaw!?  And here it comes, the inevitable faith card.  The ultimate cop-out.  Faith is a denial of reason.  Faith is hope for the hopeless.  A man of faith is a man who fears truth, and a man who fears truth is a fool among fools.  How many have suffered for those words?  “I have faith?”  How many have died at the hands your faith-driven fanatics?  How many have been persecuted in your name?  How many of your followers have died in your name, only to reach heaven’s gates and find that St. Peter was replaced thousands of years ago by a clipboard and a placard that says “Sign in here?”  Choirs of angels that sing nothing but fifties barbershop tunes, because nobody’s gotten around to updating the song list.  And then they meet you.  No, no they see you, for when have you ever given time to greet them, and what do they see?  They see the lie.  The folly of it all.  The grand deception.  Their faith is rewarded with the truth.  God stepped up one day and said “What would happen if I did this?” (SNAPS HIS FINGERS)  And on the seventh day he turned away...

                (LUCIFER LOOKS ANGRILY AT GOD, WHO IS STARING INTENTLY TOWARDS HIM)

So what do you have to say to that?  (NO ANSWER)  God?  (NO ANSWER)  Hello, God?

GOD
Hmm?  What? (SHAKES HIS HEAD AND FOCUSES ON LUCIFER.  HE LAUGHS)  Oh, sorry.  No, you should’ve heard it.  Some guy just told the funniest joke.  Listen.  A priest is walking by a river...

LUCIFER
See!?  See what I mean!?

GOD
What?  Oh yeah, I’m sorry.  You were saying “Love is...”  (LOOKS EXPECTANTLY AT LUCIFER)

LUCIFER
(SHAKES HIS HEAD)  Never mind.  I guess it’s not important.  Bye-  I’m going to go...  I don’t know, walk the earth or something.  (STARTS TO EXIT)

GOD
Well, hey, take care.  (TURNS AROUND TO FACE HIS STEREO AGAIN AND SITS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, SIGHING CONTENTEDLY.  LUCIFER STOPS BEFORE EXITING COMPLETELY)

LUCIFER
Wait a second.  I came up here for a reason.

GOD
(WHINES)  Ohh....

LUCIFER
Listen, you owe me.  Whether you know it or not, the only reason this creation thing even barely works these days is because of me.  Now I need your permission for something, and believe me, I deserve it.

GOD
(BELEAGUERED)  What?  What do you want?  More floor space?  You know we’re out.  Extra pitchforks?  Talk to Gabriel.  No, you can’t take Helen of Troy, no, you can’t advertise on mortal television, and no, you can’t borrow my robes, (MIMICKING) ‘even though I don’t wear them anymore.’  (LUCIFER STARES STEADILY AT GOD.  LONG PAUSE)  Alright, alright, already, Mr. “Evil-eye.”  What, what do you want?  How may I be of service?

LUCIFER
I want a wife.

GOD
Go, then.  Since when have I had any say in your lifestyle.  You want a woman, you’re perfectly capable of finding one and seducing her.  Heck, you do it all the time.

LUCIFER
A mortal wife.

GOD
Ah.  Unusual, but hey, why not.  Go ahead.  A dead sinner, a live sinner, it’s all the same.

LUCIFER
God, I want a good woman.

GOD
Pardon?

LUCIFER
A good woman, Lord.  One with morals and scruples, an honest heart and a sweet disposition.  I’m tired of sinners.  They beg and plead, and cajole, but it’s all self-interest.  The last honest thing I heard in hell was “It’s kinda hot down here.”  A good woman, Lord.

GOD
Do I even make those anymore?  (LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE)  Be serious, Devil, I don’t even give them to the priests.  Just tell one of your succubi to act good, or you’ll torture her.  I know you like that kinky play-acting thing.  Don’t think I don’t know!  (LAUGHS AGAIN, SHAKING HIS FINGER)

LUCIFER
Child.

GOD
You’re serious, aren’t you?  My, my the Lord of Flies wants an innocent maiden.  Why?  Do you look forward to the corruption that much more?  Does the thought of an unsullied soul tickle your fancy?  The endless prospects of psychological torments?  Lying to her left and right, cheating on her at every chance, leaving the poor helpless girl sitting at home, wondering where you are, what you’re doing, why you didn’t call...

LUCIFER
No.  I told you.  I want a wife.

GOD
(LEANS IN TOWARDS LUCIFER AND SAYS, CONSPIRATORIALLY)  What do you think marriage is, anyways?
Ha!  Tell you what, I’m feeling generous.  Why don’t we go see what we’ve got in stock...  (HE GESTURES AND THEY START TO WALK OFFSTAGE, LUCIFER TRAILING BEHIND UNCERTAINLY)

LUCIFER
You know, I’m serious here...

(THEY EXIT)