“The One at the Airport”
by Stephen Kam
Act One
Scene One The interior of an airport cocktail lounge. We’re in Denver, if it matters. Stage is in blackout.
Flight One-Five-Seven with non-stop service to San Francisco International Airport is now boarding at Gate 27E. We are currently seating all of our first-class members and those passengers traveling with small children. (BEAT) The rest of you will just have to wait. Have a pleasant evening and thank you for choosing Air West.
(LIGHTS UP ON THE
INTERIOR OF THE LOUNGE. CENTER STAGE IS A SMALL BAR, WITH SEVERAL STOOLS AROUND
IT. THE BARTENDER, JIM, IS A YOUNG, SIMPLE-LOOKING FELLOW. HE STANDS IDLY
BEHIND THE BAR, POLISHING A GLASS. JANET, A WOMAN IN HER LATE TWENTIES, ENTERS
AND SITS AT ONE OF THE STOOLS.)
JIM
Good evening, Ma’am. Can I pour you a drink?
JANET
(SEEMS A BIT OUT OF IT) Sure, thanks.
(JIM LOOKS AT HER EXPECTANTLY.)
JIM
A glass of wine, maybe?
JANET
I’m sorry, yes, that sounds great.
JIM
(BEAT) The chardonnay seems to be pretty popular.
JANET
(BLUSHES) Sorry. Sure, chardonnay sounds fine. (LAUGHS SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Honestly, usually it’s shutting me up that’s the problem.
JIM
Nothing to worry over, ma’am. (BEAT) It’s pretty late.
JANET
True. (BEAT) True.
(JIM PLACES A GLASS OF WINE IN FRONT OF JANET. SHE DROPS A TWENTY ON THE COUNTER AND LETS HIM WORK OUT THE DETAILS.)
JIM
Where you headed?
JANET
There’s a loaded question.
JIM
I’m sorry?
JANET
You know… one question, too many answers. You could be asking where I’m traveling to. That is, in a physical sense. Then again, maybe it’s ‘Where am I headed in general’ which could mean lifestyle, or in my career, I have a career you know, or even, if you want, a religious metaphysical level, as in ‘where is my soul headed.’ (BEAT) Don’t really worry about that last one so much though.
JIM
(BEAT) Just small talk ma’am.
JANET
It’s funny, how so many people do that.
JIM
Small-talk, ma’am?
JANET
Worry about their souls. Or should I say their ‘alleged’ souls. The jury’s still out on that one, I think.
JIM
Yes ma’am.
JANET
It’s like sitting down for a five-star meal and saying ‘Gee, the food sure looks great but I’m really holding out for that peppermint candy.’ You know what I mean? Assuming there even IS a mint, can it really be worth skipping the whole meal? What if you go through the whole meal and you don’t taste a single bite, because all you’re thinking about is the mint? Seems silly to me, that’s all.
JIM
We do have mints, ma’am, if you like. (HOLDS UP A SMALL DISH OF PEPPERMINT CANDIES)
JANET
That wasn’t really the point. (GRABS A MINT) But thank you. (BEAT. SHE SUCKS ON THE MINT) Nowhere, I’m picking up.
JIM
I’m sorry?
JANET
You asked where I was headed. That was the answer, nowhere, I’m picking up.
JIM
Ah.
JANET
My fiancée. Well, future fiancée. Is there a word for that? Boyfriend deluxe I guess. (BEAT. ANGRILY) Whatever.
JIM
Congratulations. On your future engagement.
JANET
From your mouth to God’s ears. I’m Janet.
JIM
Pleasure, ma’am. You can call me Jim, if you like.
JANET
Hm. Jim suits you.
JIM
I think so, yes.
JANET
I’m really not this much of a scatterbrain. I’m sure if I were you talking to me, I’d hate me too.
JIM
Not at all, ma’am. More wine? This one’s on the house.
JANET
I really shouldn’t. (BEAT) Have any whiskey back there?
JIM
Chances are good, yes.
JANET
You’re evil. Okay, maybe just a small one. (JIM PLACES A ROCKS GLASS ON THE COUNTER AND POURS IN SOME WHISKEY) A little more? Just a little bit more. Smells sooo good. Little bit more. Perfect. You’ll drink something too, right?
JIM
I really can’t, ma’am.
JANET
He’s a writer you know.
JIM
Ma’am?
JANET
My boyfriend deluxe. He writes plays.
JIM
A playwright, yes ma’am. (SILENCE) Anything I might know?
JANET
God no. Unless you’re from Pennsylvania. They do a lot of his plays in Pennsylvania. You’re not, are you?
JIM
From Pennsylvania?
JANET
Yes.
JIM
No.
JANET
That’s good. A bunch of idiots, I think. A whole state of them. (SWISHES HER GLASS AGGRESSIVELY) With very poor taste in theatre.
JIM
So you’ve been there?
JANET
What does that have to do with anything? (SIP) You know… in all his plays, somebody says ‘convivial.’
JIM
Is that right, ma’am.
JANET
I think he thinks it’s profound.
JIM
The word?
JANET
Not the word, the repetition. Like Zorro with his Z? Convivial. He does it on purpose, of course.
JIM
Ah.
JANET
And always so forced. Very tacky. Ta-a-cky. I used to write too, you know. Short stories, poems. Even a commercial.
JIM
Oh?
JANET
Yep. Not a real one. I made it up. I was bored. I was in Texas then. Or is that redundant? Bored in Texas. You’re not from Texas, are you?
JIM
No ma’am.
JANET
That’s good. Idiots. All of them. The whole state. (SIP) HE’s from Texas.
JIM
Ah.
JANET
(DISCONSOLATELY) Yee-haw.
(AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE)
JIM
Well I should probably…
JANET
Baskets.
JIM
Baskets?
JANET
That’s my ‘career.’ I make the baskets that are then filled with fruit and sold as ‘gift baskets.’
JIM
That’s… unusual.
JANET
One word for it. I’m a basketweaver. (LAUGHS IRONICALLY) Isn’t that too perfect? Even my career is a cliché for perverse futility. (BEAT) Life, my friend, is trying to tell me something. It’s a sign.
JIM
Couldn’t be as bad as all…
JANET
Signs. I ended up with Donny because of signs.
JIM
Stop, No Parking? Those kinds of signs?
JANET
No. Divine intervention. The hand of fate, working in mysterious, hateful little ways.
JIM
Ah.
JANET
I met Donny through my mother. That should have been the first clue.
JIM
Yes, ma’am.
JANET
He delivers flowers, part time. When he’s not abusing the English language. One day, he made a delivery to my mother’s house. A delivery for Janet. And as you know, my name is…?
JIM
Janet.
JANET
Just making sure you’re with me. Yes, Janet. So he delivers these flowers to Janet, only he’s at the wrong address. That is SO typical you wouldn’t believe…
Ah.
To clarify, the flowers while they were in fact for a girl named Janet, were not actually for ME, Janet. The address was for a house down the street. Happens every day, right? One of those funny little coincidences that make you go ‘hm’. No more, no less. BUT… (DRAMATIC PAUSE)
JIM
(PLAYS ALONG) But?
JANET
But not for MY mother. She decides that it’s a SIGN.
JIM
Ah.
JANET
To anyone else, it’s just a guy who can’t tell the difference between a 3 and a 7, but to my mom, it’s a sign. (FINISHES HER DRINK) Can I have another?
(HE REFILLS HER GLASS)
JANET
So the next thing I know, she’s leaving me endless messages about this ‘nice boy I just HAVE to meet.’ The fate of the gods, a gift from above, you name it, she said it. Non-stop. She sent me a letter…
JIM
Yes?
JANET
…a letter, a blank piece of paper… ready for this? With the word ‘kismet’ on it and a question mark. And little hearts. (BEAT) I pray daily that genetics is a big fat lie.
JIM
That’s what mothers do.
JANET
Or she sends me random pages that she xeroxes out of her bible, and writes ‘thinking of you’ across it in rainbow colors. What the hell does that mean?
JIM
I couldn’t say, ma’am.
Attention passengers of flight one five seven with non-stop service to San Francisco, California. We are now boarding all passengers at Gate 27E. We’re experiencing a slight delay due to the scheduled Captain’s untimely demise, so you might want to grab a magazine on the way over. Thank you for choosing Air West.
JANET
She just wants grandchildren, I think.
JIM
Oh?
JANET
Younger, more impressionable minds. I think she’s given up on me. Probably right after I started forwarding my Bridal Bazaar subscription to her address. (BEAT) It was her yearly Christmas present to me.
JIM
Ah.
JANET
And of course HE wants children, right away. They’re conspiring against me, I’m sure of it. As if any plans I had for myself just vanish as soon as he decides to propose.
JIM
Sounds like you’re in a bit of a tough spot, then.
JANET
A tough spot, yes. He really isn’t a bad guy, you know. I mean, I’m sure when I talk about him, it seems that way, but he’s very decent. Sweet, even. (SMILES) But I sometimes think that he’s also an excuse.
JIM
For a human being?
JANET
(CHOKES WITH SURPRISE, THEN LAUGHS) Ah, there IS life out there! Pour yourself a drink, Jim. You’ve earned it.
JIM
I really can’t, ma’am.
JANET
Well, then… eat a mint. Got another for me?
(HE HOLDS UP THE PLATE, OFFERS HER A MINT, THEN GRACIOUSLY TAKES ONE HIMSELF)
JANET
An excuse for a human being. Debatable. But I mean an excuse for ME. A reason to give up on all the other things I’ve always wanted to do.
JIM
Like?
JANET
Like travel. Follow where the road leads, take the path less traveled, graze greener pastures. To boldly go where no woman has gone before. And meet new, exotic people, make new friends, challenge myself, to grow, learn. LIFE. You know what I mean?
JIM
Yes ma’am, life.
JANET
With Donny, I think I would only ever be a bit player. The supporting actress. Maybe even the funny sidekick. But always HIS story. HIS life. I mean, if you believe in reincarnation, or heaven, or hell, purgatory, Missouri, whatever, then sure, this is only the beginning. Or middle. Whatever. But what if this is all we get? (SHE STARES AT THE MINT PHILOSOPHICALLY) What if there is no ‘better luck next time.’ What if you don’t get another quarter?
JIM
True, ma’am.
JANET
And sometimes I’m afraid… (SHE HESITATES) I’m afraid… (SHE STOPS, THEN CONTINUES) I’m afraid.
JIM
(AWKWARDLY) Yes, ma’am. It’s hard.
JANET
What if the only thing that matters in this world is you? I mean, not YOU, specifically, but what if the most important thing you could ever do with your life… is just to be yourself? (BEAT) Now THAT sounds like a God I could get behind. There’s a god worth believing in. Why would God need fear? Or obedience? Why would God NEED anything, for that matter?
JIM
Yes, ma’am.
JANET
Maybe God, and I use the term loosely, because I think she’s different things to different people…
JIM
Yes, ma’am.
JANET
Maybe God just wants us to be happy.
JIM
(BEAT) Sounds fine to me.
JANET
Me too, Jimbo.
JIM
(BEAT) And are you?
JANET
Pardon?
JIM
(BEAT) After a while being a bartender, you learn to ask obvious questions. Because a lot of times? They’re only obvious to us, and not to the people that it matters to. (BEAT) If you know it or not, it sounds like you’re probably sure of what your life ought to be. So that’s what I mean when I ask if you’re happy.
(HE POURS ANOTHER FINGERFUL OF WHISKEY INTO HER EMPTY GLASS. SHE SIPS IT WORDLESSLY, STARING INTO THE GLASS)
JIM
And if not, what’s next? (BEAT) I’m sorry if I said something I shouldn’t, but you’re a nice lady. I’d hate to see you stuck on the business end of a crappy life, if you’ll pardon my saying.
JANET
(BEAT. SHE SMILES AT HIM) I am, aren’t I? A nice lady?
JIM
Little bit chatty, but no harm there.
JANET
Could be... (SMILES BRIGHTLY) You’re a nice man, Jim. And easy to talk to.
JIM
Comes with the territory, ma’am.
JANET
I guess it would. (SQUINTS AT HIM APPRAISINGLY) Cute. Sweet too. (BEAT) You’re gay aren’t you?
JIM
(SMILES) Yes ma’am. Yes I am.
JANET
Of course you are. (WITH A GULP SHE DOWNS THE REST OF HER DRINK) You know what? Ask me where I’m headed.
JIM
Sure. Where you headed?
JANET
(BEAT. SHE TAKES A
DEEP BREATH AND POINTS UP AT THE LOUDSPEAKER) San Francisco. (GIGGLES) And I gotta run. I’m 29 years late.
JIM
Now?
JANET
Why not? No time like the present and all that. Like they say, when you’re stuck in a ditch, the only place left to go is… up? (MAKES A FLYING MOTION WITH HER ARMS)
(GROANS GOOD-NATUREDLY) You’re a brave one, ma’am. Bad jokes and all. Best of luck to you?
JANET
(HOPS ON THE COUNTER AND PLANTS A BIG, WET KISS ON HIS LIPS) You know what? From now on, I make my own luck. Thanks for listening. Oh! (SHE SCRIBBLES SOMETHING ON A NAPKIN) If you see a guy come wandering through here- short, brown hair, balding, mid 30’s, looks a lot like Elmer Fudd actually. Give him this?
JIM
(GLANCES AT THE NAPKIN AND SMILES) Yes, ma’am. I sure will. Have a safe trip.
(SHE SHINES HIM A
BRILLIANT SMILE, FLOUNCES HAPPILY, AND TROTS OUT THE DOOR. JIM GLANCES AT THE
NAPKIN. CHUCKLING, HE FOLDS IT, SLIDES IT INTO HIS SHIRT POCKET, AND RETURNS TO
WIPING DOWN THE BAR. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)
Attention passengers of Air West flight One-Five-Seven with service to San Francisco. We are pleased to announce the arrival of a new, less deceased captain. For those of you whose present travel plans include San Francisco, now would be a perfect time to board the plane. (BEAT) The rest of you are missing out on some really great sushi.
Copyright
2001 Stephen Kam. All Rights Reserved